When looking back on our life, we can recognize many disappointments and shattered dreams. Jobs we did not get, careers we did not achieve, friendships that did not reach our expectations, or romantic prospects and relationships that did not live up to our hopes. We make peace with some of these, accepting the realities and shortcomings that prevented them from reaching the path and fruition we intended. Others continue to haunt us, engaging us in a perpetual, futile process that draws our time and energy, depriving us of emotional oxygen, and leave us drained and hurt. The zombie dream remains alive, always within reach in our mind.
Fencing with these demonic thoughts can be addictive. We cling to them and spend our energy trying to imagine the future that eluded us. In this corner of our brain, we rewrite the past, as though the impossible is suddenly possible. Some find comfort in these thoughts, others are tortured by them. Neither finds peace.
The common recommendation is to avoid that corner and let time and emotional distance heal that wound. That is a hard, emotionally consuming task, which requires a strong will and an accountability system. You feel what you feel, want what you want, and as hard as you may try, you cannot effectively use your mind to tame your heart. Left unchecked, this cycle can affect numerous parts of your life. A bad past now creates a miserable present and a limited future. That is unless you assert control over it and chart a realistic course for yourself.
Staying in this corner, whether by will or by compulsion, is unproductive and unhealthy. You remain with the pain.
There are two sides to this situation; the emotional, and the practical. On the first, you are doing a seemingly good thing – following your heart. It rewards you with feelings that you crave, on condition that you ignore reality and its hard options.
The other side is a true opposite. Reality bites. It depresses, and erases everything the emotional side created. It denies you the future, imaginary and impractical as you have made it, and leaves you feeling sad and hopeless. The addict’s solution is easy – dive right back into the other side.
The silver lining in the two sides is that you govern both. The one component you need in order to assert long-term, effective control is accountability. If you have it within yourself to do it alone, you are one of the lucky few. If you find it hard to stay on the right side, you need an accountability partner. A person you trust to help you with this task, who can hold you to your goal and keep you on your chosen path.
The sooner you remove yourself from this cycle, the sooner you will be more emotionally independent to pursue other realistic prospects. Try to invest your time in tangible things that can propel you forward in life. Your happiness depends on it.