The topic of family members alienating from each other continues to be on many people’s minds. Following the publication of A Family Apart, I received several replies, including an email from a concerned parent. In it, the parent asked me to reflect on how to deal with the grief brought on after their child cut them off.
This behavior is unlike a childish tantrum or a silent treatment given by a rebellious teen. It is a deliberate choice to sever a relationship with family members, the kind of a relationship that is supposed to last for a lifetime and be safe for all family members. The resulting agony extends beyond the shunned members and is shared by many others, perhaps too many.
A child cutting off a parent is a painful experience for the parent and likely as much for the child. The child’s choice to act in this way could be rooted in many reasons; disappointment or anger with the parent’s behavior, shielding themselves from the parent’s scrutiny of their life, inability to deal with frustration over experiences they had with the parent, and more. If bad communication preceded the disconnect, the parent will often find themselves at a loss as to the reason for the action.
Recovering and healing a parent-child relationship that came to such an impasse requires joint efforts by both the parent and child. A sensitive approach, goodwill, and a willingness to cooperate are essential for this effort to succeed. Projecting intimacy and care is essential to establish trust and willingness to invest in the healing process. It may be done in any way you feel comfortable with. Writing a personal letter will send a more personal message, but an email could work as well. A phone call, a text message, or a knock on the door may be perceived as insensitive and a breach of boundaries.
The most accessible approach is through direct communication – arranging an occasion to talk and lay out the issues to be resolved. These steps can be followed once communication on the matter is established:
- Identifying the core reasons for the child’s choice to cut off the parent by understanding them through the child’s reality. The parent may disagree with how their child sees events or their actions which may have occurred over a long period of time, but they are what led their child to sever contact with them. Not being defensive is key here, looking at history from the child’s point of view and drawing them into a conversation.
- Discussing and taking responsibility for past actions, apologizing where needed.
- Addressing grievances and expectations to clear out past contention points that caused problems in the past and could return in the future.
- Raising attention to behaviors, actions, and habits that may have caused the rift.
- Agreeing on behavior changes that could prevent such experiences from being repeated.
- Laying out a path for a truce, healing, and a safe journey forward together, and seeding the way forward with love, trust, and goodwill.
The conversation is likely to last over some time. Such an impasse is deeply emotional; it is likely the result of a lengthy process and therefore will take time to overcome.
If such conversation cannot be directly maintained, an intermediary could be enlisted to help to facilitate that dynamic. This option should be used as a second step when direct communications did not produce the hoped-for results, or if the child is not open to having direct communication at that point; working through an intermediary could be perceived by the child as an attempt at organized mediation and result in more resistance from them. This process will amount to a couples’ counseling of sorts, where the facilitator leads the parent and child to a truce and mutual understanding. It is best to involve a mental health professional who specializes in such treatments.
Whichever way this is achieved, the goal is to gradually rebuild trust between the child and parent and remove any emotional mines left by past events and actions. It is a difficult process that feels a lot like walking on eggshells. The pain and discomfort that are constantly present throughout this process are worth the goal – reuniting a family.