This year has been a series of unimaginable events, affecting every aspect of our life. Like house cats, spending their lifetime indoors, we too were relegated to spend our entire day at home. Like them, we look outside longingly and reminisce about times we were able to go anywhere at will, worry-free. Oh, February, how I miss you.
Home confinement, isolation, and social distancing are all unnatural to us as human beings. This new reality replaced handshakes with elbow bumps, huddling together with physical separation, and visiting with Zoom meetings. Kissing and hugging were kissed goodbye altogether.
This reality became especially hard for those who are in a romantic relationship. It affected those who share a place of residence and those who do not. For those in the first group, spending every waking hour together, something they never experienced before, became a bit much. For members of the second group, simple rendezvous became a life-threatening act, and the prolonged separation brought on stress, anxiety, and depression. As a result, both groups experienced emotional rifts, fights, and disappointments in their partners.
How can you maintain a relationship under the threat of a deadly infection? How should you continue to love and show affection to the people you do under these conditions? How do you love without risking yourself or someone else’s health? On the other end, if you do live with someone, how do you escape each other’s company for some relief time? How do you avoid constant friction, boredom, and growing impatience before it leads to fights and emotional pain?
This is the time to get inventive. Your love depends on it. You don’t want to wait until this pandemic is over – it may then be too late, and you may not have a relationship left to work with at that point. The list of suggested actions is long, so I have separated them to three groups: those that apply to everyone, couples living separately, and cohabitating couple. Let’s start by addressing activities intended for all couples:
- Converse with your partner. Ask them to share successes they had today or this week. Did they experience any disappointments in that period? Try not to rush and offer solutions; the main purpose here is to offer an opportunity to unload and vent.
- Keep an open and ongoing conversation about things that you would like to see happen or that bother you. Present them wisely to your partner and avoid being confrontational or demanding about them. Be respectful and listen fully to your partner, to their concerns and wishes, and do your best to accommodate them. They will do the same for you.
- Discuss the strains this pandemic is inflicting on your relationship. Talk about the physical aspects of it, the emotional traits, and how they affect you at this time. Are there any future implications you see for any of these facets? What can you do to prepare for them and how can you circumvent any negative effects that might appear? Are any of these call for help of a physical or mental health professional?
Couples who are living independently from each other may consider taking these actions:
- Acknowledge that the difficulties of being separate from each other as you try to keep the health and safety of yourself and others by adhering to the physical separation rules. Be sure to explore together the stress this separation is causing in your relationship.
- Discuss with your partner the different levels of comfort you are seeking, and weigh them against the risk they may pose. Find ways to address those needs for comfort while minimizing the associated risks and keeping both of you on the right side of the safety rules. There are numerous reliable sources for information on this, starting with the CDC. If you still are feeling uncertain about a course of action, consult your family physician or another health professional.
- Open calendars and schedule date times, once or twice a week. If your living quarters pose a challenge, consider instead a park, an open-air restaurant, or any other safe space you can meet at and enjoy a joint activity.
- Discuss openly with your partner the difficulties you are experiencing from being physically separate. Encourage your partner to share their own worries and listen compassionately. Use this conversation to listen, think, and devise ways together to overcome these struggles.
Cohabitating couples may consider the following actions:
- Prepare and enjoy a meal together, sit outside with some drinks, or watch a movie together on TV. Make a point of scheduling these activities weekly, and pay attention to plan together events that both of you want to do and can enjoy.
- Coordinate times to give each other physical space to do things that bring you joy, that you wish to do alone. During those times, no interruptions of any kind are allowed. It is best if the person yielding the space finds something productive to immerse themselves in to avoid any development of frustration or jealousy.
This list is not complete without input from you and your partner. Be proactive and keep open communications with those who are important to you. The more you know, the better you understand, and the less likely you will be surprised by someone’s reaction to you. The last thing you want right now is a catfight.